I Am NOT a Plastic Baby!

Most people who have only known me as an adult find it hard to imagine me as a basketball player. At 5’1″ I’m not exactly the stature associated with the most prolific basketball players. But so what if I was the smallest one on the court? I was zippy, good at defense and I could drain a three.

When I was a freshman in high school, I made the junior varsity team. I loved every minute of it. I knew I didn’t have a serious future in basketball, but my goal in high school was to seize every opportunity I possibly could – from athletics to theater to student government. I was addicted to extra-curriculars. (My need to be involved in as many projects as possible today is probably rooted in this addiction I developed in high school.) Perhaps it was my height that led me to develop such a competitive streak.

This Gal Reads My Blog

I call gals, gals often. On more than one occasion someone has tittered at that nomenclature. One person asserted that ‘gal’ is outdated like ‘stewardess’ and ‘secretary.’ I guess I picked it up from my dad. In any case, I don’t wish to offend anyone, so  I’m actually thinking about switching over to ‘broads.’ But I digress.

Today’s post is all about shameless self promotion! You see, yesterday I found out that someone reads my blog! Like, a real live person. Her name is Jennifer and she is one swell gal. She gave me a “Blog Awardish Thing” which is kind of like a Grammy, but not as political as an Oscar. Basically, it’s like the Nobel Peace Prize for blogging. I’m pretty sure. Here’s the gist:

Texts From My Husband: Emergency Poop!

Driving while intexticated.

My favorite texts from my husband are the random thoughts, questions and FYIs he sends without prompting. It’s been a while since I posted any texts from my husband, so here are a few from December/January.

Just got a 100% on my airport safety class. Suck it, terrorists.

3 Most Underrated (But Awesome) Holiday Traditions

As a follow-up to my 3 Awful Holiday Traditions post – and to prove I am not a Scrooge – here are my favorite holiday traditions:

1. Tinsel.

I’ll admit it. People have their reasons for hating tinsel. Tinsel is messy. It gets tangled in the tree branches and on the carpet. Static cling can cause it to stick to anything and anyone who gets too close to the tree. But even for all its faults, tinsel is the single most amazing Christmas decoration in history. I have loved those mesmerizing silver and gold metallic plastic strips since I was a little kid. A tree just doesn’t seem “finished” without a healthy serving of those sparkly strands. I can’t help myself. Something about tinsel gets into my brain and stimulates my dopamine receptors.

I always knew tinsel was retro. (The tinsel from the 1950s was made from strands of real silver and lead.) But, I was surprised to find out tinsel has actually been around since the 1600s in Germany. My only hope is that tinsel will make a comeback, because it gets harder to find every year.

3 Awful Holiday Traditions

Not everything about the holidays can be merry and bright. In fact, some holiday traditions are downright annoying. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, right? Here are my three least favorite things about the holidays.

1. Egg Nog.

You are gross and I hate you.

For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that egg nog tastes like sugary snot. Even if you have some sort of malfunction in your taste buds that would lead you to think egg nog is palatable, there is something terrifying about what egg nog actually is. Basically, take the reproductive bodily fluids of not one but two separate animals, mix them together with a dash of sugar and nutmeg – voila!

I can understand why the British and the colonial Americans enjoyed it back in the 1700s. Snackfoods weren’t invented yet. But come on. These people also believed in “bleeding” with leeches to cure the body of ailments. Do we really want to trust their culinary expertise?

Nipples on Display: 6 Gym Etiquette Mistakes

The other day I posted a question on Twitter about gym etiquette.

Based on the responses, it seems many people are still not “getting it” when it comes to gym etiquette. So here are my top 6 etiquette pet peeves.

1. The Grunter. This one is so cliche I considered leaving it off the list, but it really deserves to be here. We have all heard that one guy who grunts and groans as loudly as he possibly can as he lifts weights. He makes a simple bicep curl sounds as painful as getting your foot caught in a meat grinder. Not only is he annoying, but he also scares me. I’m legitimately concerned that he will push so hard that his eyeballs pop out of their sockets. I don’t want to be there when that happens.

Doesn't that hurt?

Ma’am, Your Car Looks Ridiculous

I had the same picture on my Trapper Keeper in 1994.

Believe it or not, this is the second time I have seen this Jeep.

I saw it a few weeks ago and wasn’t able to snap a picture fast enough. The other day, I caught a glimpse of those creepy Flipper bastards again and had the chance to snap a few pics. In case you can’t make it out, that’s a custom dolphin window film. And a dolphin license plate frame. And a dolphin magnet.

At first, I thought it had to be some sort of aquatic-themed business. Alas, I pulled up alongside it. Nope. Just a woman who thinks she’s Lisa Frank.

Ma’am, your car looks ridiculous.

4 More Scary Things

My fear of germs gets worse the older I get.

Today, some women in my office were talking about a new nail salon and I mentioned that I will never get a manicure or pedicure from a salon ever again. This is why. Ever seen a salon worker disinfect a foot bath? Sure. Did she let the disinfectant sit on the surface for 10 minutes and run the spa jets like the EPA recommends? Probably not. Oh yeah, and did I mention bacteria can live inside of the jets of that foot bath? So, the next time that thing is turned on, you get staph sprayed all over your barking dogs. And you thought those bunions were the most disgusting thing on your feet. Bacterial infections? Necrotizing fasciitis? Skin ulcers? No, thank you.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me awake at night.

9/11: A Few Thoughts

September 11, 2001 I was a high school senior sitting in a classroom taking my first trigonometry test of the year. Shortly after 8:00 a.m., our principal’s voice came through the intercom to tell us an airplane had crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. We paused a moment to take in the information. A plane crash. This has happened before. A plane crash in New York shouldn’t have any effect on us here in the Midwest. Then we put our heads back down to focus on our tests, annoyed at having lost precious time to complete the important equations before us. Only a few minutes later, we were interrupted again. This time the voice sounded  more grave. A second airplane had crashed. Initial indications were that it was done on purpose.

3 Things I Learned This Weekend at the Farm

1. I learned how to drive this bad mama jama all by myself.

She's a sexy beast.