3 Awful Holiday Traditions

Not everything about the holidays can be merry and bright. In fact, some holiday traditions are downright annoying. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, right? Here are my three least favorite things about the holidays.

1. Egg Nog.

You are gross and I hate you.

For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that egg nog tastes like sugary snot. Even if you have some sort of malfunction in your taste buds that would lead you to think egg nog is palatable, there is something terrifying about what egg nog actually is. Basically, take the reproductive bodily fluids of not one but two separate animals, mix them together with a dash of sugar and nutmeg – voila!

I can understand why the British and the colonial Americans enjoyed it back in the 1700s. Snackfoods weren’t invented yet. But come on. These people also believed in “bleeding” with leeches to cure the body of ailments. Do we really want to trust their culinary expertise?

Nipples on Display: 6 Gym Etiquette Mistakes

The other day I posted a question on Twitter about gym etiquette.

Based on the responses, it seems many people are still not “getting it” when it comes to gym etiquette. So here are my top 6 etiquette pet peeves.

1. The Grunter. This one is so cliche I considered leaving it off the list, but it really deserves to be here. We have all heard that one guy who grunts and groans as loudly as he possibly can as he lifts weights. He makes a simple bicep curl sounds as painful as getting your foot caught in a meat grinder. Not only is he annoying, but he also scares me. I’m legitimately concerned that he will push so hard that his eyeballs pop out of their sockets. I don’t want to be there when that happens.

Doesn't that hurt?

Ma’am, Your Car Looks Ridiculous

I had the same picture on my Trapper Keeper in 1994.

Believe it or not, this is the second time I have seen this Jeep.

I saw it a few weeks ago and wasn’t able to snap a picture fast enough. The other day, I caught a glimpse of those creepy Flipper bastards again and had the chance to snap a few pics. In case you can’t make it out, that’s a custom dolphin window film. And a dolphin license plate frame. And a dolphin magnet.

At first, I thought it had to be some sort of aquatic-themed business. Alas, I pulled up alongside it. Nope. Just a woman who thinks she’s Lisa Frank.

Ma’am, your car looks ridiculous.

4 More Scary Things

My fear of germs gets worse the older I get.

Today, some women in my office were talking about a new nail salon and I mentioned that I will never get a manicure or pedicure from a salon ever again. This is why. Ever seen a salon worker disinfect a foot bath? Sure. Did she let the disinfectant sit on the surface for 10 minutes and run the spa jets like the EPA recommends? Probably not. Oh yeah, and did I mention bacteria can live inside of the jets of that foot bath? So, the next time that thing is turned on, you get staph sprayed all over your barking dogs. And you thought those bunions were the most disgusting thing on your feet. Bacterial infections? Necrotizing fasciitis? Skin ulcers? No, thank you.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me awake at night.

9/11: A Few Thoughts

September 11, 2001 I was a high school senior sitting in a classroom taking my first trigonometry test of the year. Shortly after 8:00 a.m., our principal’s voice came through the intercom to tell us an airplane had crashed into the World Trade Center in New York. We paused a moment to take in the information. A plane crash. This has happened before. A plane crash in New York shouldn’t have any effect on us here in the Midwest. Then we put our heads back down to focus on our tests, annoyed at having lost precious time to complete the important equations before us. Only a few minutes later, we were interrupted again. This time the voice sounded  more grave. A second airplane had crashed. Initial indications were that it was done on purpose.

3 Things I Learned This Weekend at the Farm

1. I learned how to drive this bad mama jama all by myself.

She's a sexy beast.

Catfights, Camaraderie and Crying

Everyone knows a woman who has said, “I only have male friends. I don’t get along with women because they’re all jealous of me.” Or, “I don’t like women because they’re all fake.”

The reality is, these women are usually the problem. If you can’t get along with members of the same gender, it’s not them. It’s you.

I hate the stereotype that women are catty. But in some ways, I can see where it comes from.

Modesty Corner

I don’t understand women who can carry entire conversations with each other in the locker room while they’re naked. They’re adjusting and flopping around and bending over awkwardly. All the while, they’re talking about the kid’s soccer game that night.

Not only is it awkward for everyone else, but it can be dangerous. Sometimes I worry that the old grannies strutting their stuff like swimsuit models will trip over their own flapjacks.

Also, frankly, the lack of below-the-waist grooming among women born prior to 1979 really frightens me.

Nuggets, Anyone?

Did I really go an entire month without a single blog entry? Perhaps I’ve just been too busy kicking ass with my Cradle List to write about it.  But I’ll get to that in a minute. First, to recap the escapades of May.

May 3: I’m driving home from work minding my own business when –

Oh my God, what the crap is that smell? It’s in my mucous membranes! I can’t breathe. I might throw up on my steering wheel! Are those pouches of Dinty Moore being strewn across the highway? Oh no! I’m hitting one. It just splattered all over my undercarriage!

3 Reasons I Won’t Give You My Money

"You know you want me."

I’ve spent the better part of my (albeit short) career in nonprofit marketing and development. Now that I’m not working full-time in that industry, I have a whole new perspective on what it means to be a “donor.”