This Halloween is going to be the scariest ever. I have compiled a list of the top 5 things that scare the shit out of me. Don’t judge me.
Number 5: Novelty Zombie Babies
I typically love anything zombie-related. As someone who wants to live when the Zombie Apocalypse happens, I think it is important to know as much as I can. But these babies are where I draw the line. I first saw these a few years back at a Halloween store and hoped to God they wouldn’t catch on. Now, they are everywhere. I can hardly go into a Halloween store without freaking out over a display of these monstrosities. How am I supposed to pick out a slutty border patrol costume if I can’t even get past the first display without pissing my pants in fear?
Number 4: Tree Faces
Old trees are creepy enough without putting faces on them, ok? My mother-in-law has these on some of her trees out at the farm. One of them is facing into a window on the way to the bathroom. Being out in the middle of rural Missouri is scary enough without having a tree with a human face staring at me while I head to the toilet in the middle of the night – (again with the pants-wetting)…Hmm, that might be a fear of mine as well…a post for a different day.
Number 3: Chucky
Yeah, I get that the idea behind this is a certain level of comedy. But if you were five years old when the movie came out and subsequently saw bits of it on HBO when your parents were not in the room, you can imagine that the humor is lost on me. Besides, there is nothing scarier than dolls, as you will see in #1.
Number 2: Baby Corn
I don’t eat anything with “baby” as an ingredient, much less the name of the food. I get it. It’s cute, tender and arguably delicious. I don’t care that it isn’t really mutant corn, just real corn picked at at early stage. There is just something about these tiny cobs that just isn’t right.
And the number 1 scary thing…..
Number 1: “Time Out” or “Hide and Seek” Dolls
Google “time out dolls” and you will see just what true horror really is. The first time I ever saw one of these was in my husband’s parents’ house. It was dark, and as I entered the living room there was this “child” standing in the corner. My mother-in-law even moves him around. So one day the kid is in the corner, and the next day he might be next to your bed. Not cool. But the scariest part about these creepy little bastards is the people who make them. That’s right. Hit up a craft fair or country store and you will find these handmade treasures and the humans behind them. Trust me, this is a horror movie you do not want to see.
Happy Halloween, everyone.