And the adventures continue! I spent the week of December 1-8 in warm, sunny, beautiful Riviera Maya, Mexico. When we weren’t trying to outrun the Mexican drug cartel, we managed to have a pretty good time. While I didn’t keep a very detailed diary, here is an account of our trip.
December 1, Day 1
- Arrive at airport at 5am. Husband’s brother, wife and kiddos get boarded first. We wait. We hear that the 7am flight is delayed by 1 hour and boarding is on hold. Fall asleep in terminal.
- Flight to Mexico. Sit next to cranky old man who says he will give me his seat when the seatbelt light goes off because he is moving to an open seat up front. He waits until we land before moving to the open seat up front. In the meantime he eats a PPJ and chocolate chip cookies which I am tempted to steal.
- Arrive in Mexico. It’s cloudy. Purchase two cervezas from the first beer stand we see.
- Bus ride to resort. Mexican police line the highways with huge machine guns atop army trucks. (We found out later they were keeping the peace at some sort of environmental protests.)
- Arrive at resort. Beg for an upgrade to next-level resort. Get shot down, but get a room upgrade on current resort. We are happy.
- Get to the room and discover a lovely swan sculpture made out of towels.
- Hit the swimming pool and swim up bar. It is freezing cold and the sun is not shining.
- Head back to the room, get ready for dinner.
- Stop at bar on the way to dinner. Several shots and 5 hours later, we decide to go to dinner. We realize it is too late. All restaurants are closed. We decide to head back to the room and order room service.
- I pass out fall asleep before I can order anything to eat.
December 2, Day 2
- Breakfast buffet.
- Realize to my dismay that I have the dreaded “vacation constipation.”
- Head to the beach. It is sunny and beautiful. I love the ocean.
- Lounge around until lunch time.
- Lunch at the buffet.
- Afternoon at the pool.
- Today housekeeping left us a mermaid out of towels.
- Dinner at the buffet. Biggest, most delicious shrimp I have ever eaten. I hope they are not contaminated by oil.
- Drinks after dinner.
December 3, Day 3
- Breakfast buffet. Starting to feel like I’m eating from a feedbag.
- Still haven’t been able to poop.
- Head to the beach. It is sunny and beautiful again. Starting to get tan lines. I still love the ocean.
- Lounge around until lunch time.
- Lunch at the buffet/trough.
- Afternoon at the pool.
- Housekeeping left us a teddy bear out of towels.
- Dinner at the buffet. Biggest, most delicious shrimp I have ever eaten.
- Drinks after dinner at the sports bar. Watch LeBron dominate his old team. Cleveland fans are crybabies. Hope to see riots in the streets of Cleveland. Disappointed no one got hurt.
December 4, Day 4
- Breakfast at the buffet. Strap on the feedbag again. Stomach really starting to hurt.
- Husband’s brother, his wife and their kiddos meet us at the beach.
- Husband and our nephew dig a hole in the sand. I am dumb enough to volunteer to be buried. I have sand in every crack and crevice.
- Husband’s parents arrive. We hit the lunch buffet.
- Head to the pool after lunch. It is friggin’ freezing.
- Back to the room to get ready for dinner. Maid left another mermaid sculpture. I find sand in places sand should never be.
- Dinner at the seafood restaurant – our first nice, ala carte meal of the trip. I order the most amazing platter of seafood I have ever seen. Lobster, tuna, clams, shrimp…I eat everything except the octopus because it is too tough.
- So tired. Go to bed early.
December 5, Day 5
- Good news. Buffet has All-Bran and Activia. I dangerously mix the two for breakfast. Husband has pancakes. We both barely make it back to the room in time.
- I feel better.
- Beach. Starting to get a bit itchy.
- Lunch. Notice that my skin is very red and itchy.
- Family goes to the pool while I head back to the hotel room for a nap and some Solarcaine.
- The maid has forgotten to leave us a towel sculpture. She has also forgotten washcloths. I sleep. Husband uses a bath towel as a washcloth.
- Dinner at the Japanese restaurant. Fun! Kiddos get a huge kick out of watching the chef make the food in front of us. My 3-yr-old nephew shows us all how he learned to use chopsticks from watching Mickey’s Clubhouse.
- Family photo time in front of the fountains. Some European woman came up and yelled at us in a language we could not understand. She seemed pissed.
- We have a few drinks. Husband tries a Cuban cigar. It’s ok.
December 6, Day 6 (My Birthday!)
- I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how old and decrepit I am at the age of 27. It is all downhill from here.
- Dinner at the Cajun restaurant. Waiters sing happy birthday to me and give me a shot of tequila with grenadine. Not bad.
- Husband and I head to the nightclub. We are the first ones there. We start doing shots. I make the mistake of telling the bartender it is my birthday. Bartender makes me a shot of what looks like 3 types of motor oil mixed together. It is literally on fire. I blow it out. Bartender says I’m not supposed to blow it out. I have to drink it while it is flaming. He lights it up again and hands me a straw. It tastes just like it looks. Motor oil indeed.
- Husband and I people watch. A Canadian offers me $20 to babysit his kids so he and his wife can go out tomorrow. I laugh at him. He might have been serious.
- We dance, watch people, drink, dance and try to avoid the Canadian.
- Canadian comes back. He puts his arms around us and grabs me in my personal space. I cringe and start squirming and kicking my husband. My husband politely tells him to fuck off leave us alone.
- I look at the time. It is 3am. I am officially past my prime.
- Back to the room. Order a cheeseburger from room service. Eat in shame.
December 7, Day 7
- Sleep in late. We were very hungover tired.
- Head to the beach.
- Nephew finally gets to bury his uncle in a hole. Mother-in-law adds “sandboobs” to husband in the sand. We are a classy family.
- Itchy redness has developed into full-blown heat rash. Can’t read the label on the Mexican ointment I bought at the gift shop. I hope it works.
- Roll our fat selves to the lunch buffet one last time.
- Relax at the wave pool and finish my second book of the trip.
- Dinner at the Japanese restaurant again.
- Dancing and photos in front of the Christmas tree.
December 8, Day 8
- Find out to our disappointment that the breakfast buffet won’t be open before we have to leave for the airport. Pillage a stack of packaged snacks from the hotel for the ride home.
- Get complete pat-down at the Cancun airport.
- Finish third book of the trip.
- Home sweet home.
Upon my return, I made this little number with a few of my favorite photos from the trip. Watch it. It’s only 2 minutes long.