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I’m really getting sick of babies.

A lot of people might not like what I’ve got to say, but if you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll realize that babies don’t contribute anything positive to society. It’s time someone spoke up. And let’s face it, babies had it coming.

1. Babies destroyed Facebook. Facebook used to be the best place to go and see photos of my friends doing topless beer bongs. But now it’s overrun with photos of their babies’ every movements. Look, little Gracie turned over! Look, little Gracie shit her pants! Look little Gracie ate a crayon! I’m sick of it. If people wanted to see someone piss all over herself and stumble through the living room trying to eat crumbs off the floor while using the coffee table for balance, my webcam probably would have been more successful.

 

"I pooped in my cage."

2. Babies ruin happy hour. It’s bad enough my girlfriends can’t shut up about what kind of breast pump works best — but then I’ve got to listen to the whole “potty training drama.” These parents are freaking out and I’m like seriously, it is not that difficult. All you have to do is keep the kid locked in his kennel for a few hours while you’re at work and he will learn not to shit where he sleeps. It’s common knowledge that they don’t like to defecate in their sleeping space. Next time he poops his pants, just swat him with a rolled up newspaper and put him in the backyard. He will learn eventually.

3. Babies inhibit proper judgment. My friend was telling me about this guy she hired.  He’s called a “lactation specialist.” Seriously? Lactation specialist. First of all, it sounds like a fetish magazine. Does this job title not send out red flags for anyone else? And how do you even get that job? What does his resume say? I’m a boob man?

 

Adorable.

4. But the truth is, I’m jealous of babies. The thing I hate most about babies is that babies get away with so much stuff that the rest of us can’t. Think about it. Junior dribbles some pureed carrots on his onesie out in public and you let him run around for a few hours in his diaper. But when I spilled coffee on my shirt at work the other day and spent the rest of the afternoon shirtless, it suddenly became an “HR issue.”  Babies can projectile vomit and we don’t even call it puke. We call it “spit-up” and it’s adorable. But when I have one too many vodka tonics and “spit-up” in Aunt Ruby’s purse, suddenly I’ve ruined Thanksgiving dinner. It’s just not fair.

But despite my hatred of babies, I’m actually a very good babysitter.

Ok, I’m not a very good babysitter. But kids love having me as a babysitter. I show up at the house and I’m like, “Ok kids, I’ve got enough Red Bull to last us through the night. Who wants to play with throwing stars?! And then later we can finger paint!”

I’m just kidding. I would never let kids finger paint.

*This is the first of a series of blog entries I’m reformatting from their original form in my stand up comedy performance.  There’s just too much I wanted to talk about that I couldn’t fit into five minutes.

18 thoughts on “4 Perfectly Acceptable Reasons to Hate Babies

  1. Oh my GOD!! I agree with you on every bit! I’m jealous of them, too. When I was a child, my uncle’s girlfriend had a baby, and she liked to scream. Everyone LOVED IT. But, what if I was obnoxiously loud? They all ask what the fuck was I doing.. It was ridiculous. I cried constantly over it because I literally didn’t matter. Now, I hate all babies, toddlers, and anything that hasn’t learned how to do things for themselves..

    • Ha! Katelyn, your disdain for babies might be even stronger than mine! 🙂 Yes, jealousy is probably where it all stems…
      Thanks for checking out my blog. How did you come across it?

  2. Glad to hear some people are getting tired of the unending emphasis on babies. If you don’t have one or if you’re not desperately trying to have one, you’re believed to have a problem. Well, there are other important things in the world, and maybe if there were fewer babies, people would have more time to attend to the other ills that surround us.

  3. Pingback: Finding My Guts « Annie Was Here

  4. Awesome. I’m glad to know there are people out there who aren’t brainwashed into thinking fucking babies are cute; because they’re not. I get naseous if I’m reminded that I had to start off as one of them and evolve into a human being over the years. I want to puke my guts out when my girlfriends turn into whores, convince themselves that hosting parasites and self-harming their vaginas constitutes hero worship and brainwashing themselves into believing that their fucking spawn is a precious gem.

  5. I fully agree with you! They drool, scream, turns around for no reason. I fucking hate them. I was playing games and later ppl tell me to look after just incase the baby cries. And what happens? The baby cries when I’m on the computer and stops when I’m infront of it and talk to it. It’s like fucking king and slave thing like, “Time to call for my brother (screams)”. Later. “Be funny and do stupid stuff (cries)”. You know what I mean? And now, the baby gets more attention. >:/
    Also, why do the people who likes babies calling me a monster/demon and a moron? I CAN HATE BABIES IF I WANNA DO SO! All of this you said on this page, do I agree on.

  6. Totally agree im fed up with every time i go to a restaurant, pub or cafe or make a train plane or bus journey my peace and quiet being ruined by a screaming baby who’s parents just choose to let it get on with the screaming. parents assume the whole world involves round their baby, well their world may do but mine does not ! I also do not consider them cute, if i want to see something cute i look at a puppy or kitten babies irratate me so much.

    • I agree with you very much! It’s like I can’t ejnoy going to super stores, restaurants, or airplanes anymore. D: It’s hard trying to tune babies cries and screams and whines. Uhghhh!

  7. They are selfish, incessantly whiny, irritating parasites who drain you if your nutrients, energy and overall health and happiness. Completely over rated and definitely not for everyone, I’m sick of every woman telling me it’s different when you have your own. No baby has ever made me want my own and in my all honest opinion they aren’t worth the stress at all. Just cus you have a womb does not mean you’re obligated to breed. To me a child free life is a stress free life.

  8. Pingback: Finding My Guts | Annie Was Here

  9. LOL, I’m 16, usetta be like that 😀 now it’s more like…Eh, babies, they don’t know anything so I guess it’s all understandable…Still annoying, though 😀 But how can you be jealous of a baby LMAO

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