Nuggets, Anyone?

Did I really go an entire month without a single blog entry? Perhaps I’ve just been too busy kicking ass with my Cradle List to write about it.  But I’ll get to that in a minute. First, to recap the escapades of May.

May 3: I’m driving home from work minding my own business when –

Oh my God, what the crap is that smell? It’s in my mucous membranes! I can’t breathe. I might throw up on my steering wheel! Are those pouches of Dinty Moore being strewn across the highway? Oh no! I’m hitting one. It just splattered all over my undercarriage!

…and that’s pretty much what happened when I was seconds behind a truck carrying bags of rancid chicken parts that spilled onto the highway and caused thousands of motorists to sit in traffic for hours, dozens of whom had to pull over to puke.  This day will live in infamy. I will tell my descendants about the “Great Chicken Spill of 2011.” The sad thing is, it isn’t the first time I’ve almost thrown up driving home from work.

This looks more appetizing than what I ran over. Nuggets, anyone?

May 6: I had my annual performance review with my boss. The good news is I’m now eligible for my 401K. The bad news is I can no longer use my ineligibility as my excuse for spending my paycheck surplus on booze and regrets. I suppose I should start socking away some cash for my retirement. I don’t know what the going rate for a diaper-changer is going to be in 50 years.

Age progression software enables us to see what I will look like in 2061.

May 19: I convinced my mother to join me in my second 5K.

I finished in 35 minutes, then went back to walk my mom to the finish line. It was a milestone for her because she really hasn’t been very active for a while. I was really proud of her.

This was before we hit the bar.

May 21: I officially have lost 20 pounds. It is pretty much the most exciting thing that happened this month. And I couldn’t have done it without the chicken parts spill to keep me from eating for for two weeks straight.

Along the way, I learned how to use a John Deere lawn tractor, which my husband insists was a gift for me. Though, I still say nothing that requires you to do more work is a gift.

I also got fitted for a bridesmaid dress to wear in my sister’s wedding. The designer she chose was the same one that did my wedding gown, and I ordered a dress two sizes smaller than my gown was in 2008. That was pretty exciting. Almost as exciting as the dress itself:

The good news is I can think of at least four occasions where I will wear this again.

And that brings me to today. Here’s the status of my Cradle List:

  1. Learn to skateboard.
  2. Go skydiving.
  3. Learn to drive a tractor on my own. DONE- Adam taught me how to drive his John Deere (the big one) in April. I even used the lever thingy to pull out fence posts. Even though I never got out of first gear, I’m counting it as a victory.
  4. Fight someone or at least punch someone in the face.
  5. Lose 30 pounds. ALMOST DONE- 10 more pounds to go. Right now I’m at my “wedding weight” but I’d like to get to “what I originally intended to be my wedding weight” back in 2008.
  6. Perform a comedy show. DONE and DONE.
  7. Perform in a play.
  8. Grow an organic garden.
  9. Pay off my student loans.
  10. Make it on to the St. Louis Business Journal’s “30 Under 30” list.
  11. Write at least one blog entry per month. WHEW. That was a close one.
  12. Learn to play a musical instrument.
  13. Learn a new language…Spanish perhaps?
  14. Invest in a start-up company.
  15. Get 600 Facebook friends.
  16. Get to 1,000 Twitter followers.
  17. Have a yard sale.
  18. Build some type of furniture. DONE. Adam did most of it, more like 85% of it. I helped cut a couple boards and stained it. But, several hours and paint fume hallucinations later, and we had a TV stand for the cabin.
  19. Have a huge barn party, possibly with live music.
  20. Go deer hunting with Adam.
  21. Get a handgun and learn to use it.
  22. Get Tasered, just once.
  23. Incorporate my freelance business.
  24. Take an impromptu road trip.
  25. Make lasagna better than Adam’s mom, just once.
  26. Host Thanksgiving for the whole family.
  27. Play a table game at the casino.
  28. Write my will and other estate planning documents.
  29. Go streaking.
  30. Save at least $15,000.
  31. Get a tattoo.

So, that’s it. My update. Now I’m going to eat dinner. I’ve got a strange craving for some Chik-Fil-A.

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