I don’t understand women who can carry entire conversations with each other in the locker room while they’re naked. They’re adjusting and flopping around and bending over awkwardly. All the while, they’re talking about the kid’s soccer game that night.
Not only is it awkward for everyone else, but it can be dangerous. Sometimes I worry that the old grannies strutting their stuff like swimsuit models will trip over their own flapjacks.
Also, frankly, the lack of below-the-waist grooming among women born prior to 1979 really frightens me.
Since I joined Gold’s Gym a year ago, I have formed a routine. Typically I do a speed race from shower to locker, towel to clothes. I’m not normally too high maintenance, but the other day I decided to apply some lotion, an act I don’t feel totally comfortable typing here, much less doing in front of strangers.
I decided to utilize what I’ve dubbed the “modesty corner” – a dressing room with a curtain in the back of the locker room. So here I am, bending over in a most unflattering way, when some broad flings open the curtain! “Excuse me,” I managed to utter sheepishly, doing my best to cover my lady bits with one arm while closing the curtain with the other. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t know there was anyone in there. I just saw this curtain and wanted to see what was behind it,” she giggled with amusement.
Lady, let me get this straight. You saw a curtain…in a locker room…and you didn’t think someone might be behind it? Who are you, Curious George? You are not adorable. You are an idiot.
But the truth is I wasn’t as pissed at the peeper as I was at myself. “Excuse me?” What was that response about? Why was that the first thing I said? Why couldn’t I have responded angrily with something cool like, “Quit looking at my hooha, you perv!”
I do this all the time. I think of something snarky to reply after the snark-deserving a-hole is already long gone. I hate it. How amazing would it be if it was socially acceptable to go back to someone a few minutes after a verbal altercation and have a “redo” of the exchange? Instead, I live with eternal regrets of lost opportunities to make others feel terrible.
Until someone invents a time machine, I suppose I will just have to take extra precautions in the locker room. From now on, I’m wearing these at all times: