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I don’t understand women who can carry entire conversations with each other in the locker room while they’re naked. They’re adjusting and flopping around and bending over awkwardly. All the while, they’re talking about the kid’s soccer game that night.

Not only is it awkward for everyone else, but it can be dangerous. Sometimes I worry that the old grannies strutting their stuff like swimsuit models will trip over their own flapjacks.

Also, frankly, the lack of below-the-waist grooming among women born prior to 1979 really frightens me.

Since I joined Gold’s Gym a year ago, I have formed a routine. Typically I do a speed race from shower to locker, towel to clothes. I’m not normally too high maintenance, but the other day I decided to apply some lotion, an act I don’t feel totally comfortable typing here, much less doing in front of strangers.

Also, there's this guy and his damn basket.

I decided to utilize what I’ve dubbed the “modesty corner” – a dressing room with a curtain in the back of the locker room. So here I am, bending over in a most unflattering way, when some broad flings open the curtain! “Excuse me,” I managed to utter sheepishly, doing my best to cover my lady bits with one arm while closing the curtain with the other. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t know there was anyone in there. I just saw this curtain and wanted to see what was behind it,” she giggled with amusement.

Lady, let me get this straight. You saw a curtain…in a locker room…and you didn’t think someone might be behind it? Who are you, Curious George? You are not adorable. You are an idiot.

But the truth is I wasn’t as pissed at the peeper as I was at myself. “Excuse me?” What was that response about? Why was that the first thing I said? Why couldn’t I have responded angrily with something cool like, “Quit looking at my hooha, you perv!”

I do this all the time. I think of something snarky to reply after the snark-deserving a-hole is already long gone.  I hate it. How amazing would it be if it was socially acceptable to go back to someone a few minutes after a verbal altercation and have a “redo” of the exchange? Instead, I live with eternal regrets of lost opportunities to make others feel terrible.

Until someone invents a time machine, I suppose I will just have to take extra precautions in the locker room. From now on, I’m wearing these at all times:

No one's gonna see my bits 'n pieces.

Related posts: Why Can’t I Join Gold’s Gym?, A Milestone, Drymouth and Other Problems, I’ve Got the Runs

12 thoughts on “Modesty Corner

  1. LOL! Yeah I don’t understand the whole I wanted to see what was behind the curtain. Seriously? Can’t they usually see your feet?

  2. I would LOVE to have a time machine like that. That’s happened to me many times, where you wish you would have said something different when caught off guard.
    But, hey, hey…I take offense at the grooming of women born prior to 1979. I have found the best European Wax Center on Clarkson. Brazilian Bikini Waxes for $19.00 I’ve done it on my lunch hour before. (636) 536-0777 http://www.waxcenter.com

  3. Annie, If she wanted to know what was behind the curtain, you could have said, “It’s the Wizard of Oz!”

  4. Your regret at not having a witty response at the ready is called “L’esprit de l’escalier” (Spirit of the Stairs) or staircase wit, “the act of thinking of a response, argument or clever comeback when it is too late to deliver it.” Go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalier

    And on a related note, I can never look Judy in the eye again. Jeez

  5. I don’t know how I didn’t find your blog sooner, Annie. You had me laughing out loud…

    I lived in Asia for a year, and used a California Fitness gym during that time. Women there – surprisingly – were far less modest than women in American locker rooms. It was one of the strangest cultural observations for me…that these women would sit naked while applying makeup, sit naked in the steam room, walk around the locker room naked for no apparent reason. So strange…

    • Thanks, Melissa! I have been rather lax about blogging over the past month. I’ve been so busy with a super cool new social media project at work, and have had a bit of social media burnout in my personal life! Hope to see you again at the next SMBSTL!

    • And as to your experience, I can only hypothesize that perhaps they were less “jiggly” than American women and thus had less to be embarrassed about? I might strut around in the buff if I took up less space. Although, that really doesn’t seem to stop anyone at my gym.

  6. You should see the older men lift up one leg on the bench and spend the next 5 minutes blow drying their balls with a blow dryer. “That which has been seen can not be unseen”. Is sweaty balls that much of a problem as you get older?

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